Farewell

This post is a farewell to a lot of things some good and some bad.  First of all, this is the last blog post I'll be making for several reasons.  This was originally intended to just be a summer project and I think it served its purpose; I feel like it helped me express some things that I needed to get off my chest and made me really think about my opinions.  Also, I know that I'm going to be plenty busy once I go back to school (TOMORROW, can you tell I'm excited?) and won't be able to devote time to this like I could over the summer.  So farewell to this blog and to anyone who read it (which was honestly probably only one person, you know who you are) thank you for caring enough to read my rambling thoughts and I hope you got something out of it in the end or at least understand me a little better!  Second, this post is a farewell to all the negative emotions and insecurities I brought home with me.  It's time to start a new year at school and that means a clean slate to me so I'm going to try desperately to remain the confident person I truly am and not let anyone or anything make me doubt myself.  Zen master and human rights activist Thich Nhat Hanh said "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering.  Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar".  I'm saying, screw that! I'm done being comfortable with what I know, even if the unknown doesn't work out how I would like or with the people I would like it has to be better than not enjoying where I am now.  Rather than look at the giant question mark looming over my head this year as anxiety inducing I'm going to look at it as one great adventure, the Great Perhaps if you will!  This is also a farewell to my friends from home that I won't get to see for a while.  You have made my summer worthwhile and when I was at my lowest you reminded me that I'm surrounded by people who genuinely care about me and enjoy spending time with me.  Without all of you I would not be as happy or as sane as I am, not that it's saying much considering I'm pretty crazy... but so are all of you so it works!  This is a farewell to a job that slowly whittled away at my IQ all summer with the knowledge that next summer will be much more enriching I know it!  And last but not least, it's a farewell to any outdated inhibitions that stopped me from truly enjoying myself last year.  I'm saying goodbye to my teenage years very soon and I don't want to waste another year of my youth worrying about how it will affect me later on in life!  I've never cared very much about what others thought of me, but I care a lot about how I view myself and if I can't let loose a little bit I'm not going to like who I am in the future, bittnerness runs in the family and I don't want that!  Hopefully my cheerful energized outgoing personality can translate over to this new mindset and I won't stand in my own way anymore.  So that's about it, I'm all packed up and ready to get back to school and explore this new year and all it has to offer with friends from last year and new friends I have yet to make! 
Have a RUN-believable day and thanks for reading!
Song Suggestion: I'm So Excited by the Pointer Sisters (for obvious reasons!)

Those Days Where You See Everyone You Ever Knew At The Worst Possible Moments...

Also referred to as "stop making questionable decisions in public Sarah!" The topic on my mind today is how to we gauge what's considered pushing ourselves too far outside of who we are from just enough to challenge ourselves and experience new things?  And why is it that in my sporadic moments of insanity I have to face the consequences long after because of the people I'm with?   I really don't think it's possible to experience anything alone because the brain was built for interaction and without it we would shrivel up and die an intellectual death which means that we really can't get away with anything.  So that means that when I decide to try not being a super up-tight person for one night and really just let go I have to do so in the presence of other people... bummer.  Slightly huge bummer for me actually because I did manage to have one of the craziest nights of my life the other night and enjoyed myself immensely only to realize that I'd be facing some rather lasting consequences the next day as a result.  And the overwhelming feeling I got from myself and others was that they never would have believed I would do a number of things that I did.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  Is it tragic that people have such a narrow view of who I am or that they don't think I'm capable of certain things.  But at the same time they're getting these perceptions from the way I've been presenting myself all these years.  To be honest, I'm still a little, okay a lot, shocked by my own actions.  I just kept thinking "This isn't me, I never do this", over and over again but I can't escape the fact that it happened so does that mean I am that person or does it mean that there are just sides of me that I never had the chance to fully explore before.  I guess that's what growing is all about and I just have to figure out the direction I want to grow in so as not to stray too far into that grey area of doing things I normally wouldn't just for the sake of trying something new even if it isn't something I'm particularly interested in.  Sorry that this post is so convoluted my thoughts are kind of all over the place at the moment.  Re-reading this makes it sound like I robbed a bank or something so I should clarify, I was well within the limits of the law, just not my own moral compass.  I broke a rule of mine that, while extremely silly and very outdated, I have truly believed in at least on principle.  I'm just not sure if I want to explore that path any further and I'm also not sure if my hesitancy to do so is a result of others reactions or because I really shouldn't or because of my previous notion of life holding me back... so many if's and's or but's in this process for me! In the end, I think that our wildest moments are when we triumph the most and when we fail harder than any other time.  It's all a big question mark out there and the only person who can answer it for us is ourselves so at some point in our lives we have to take chances and try to chip away at the unknown.  And try not to let what others believe to sway you, I've found that most people can be easily persuaded to change how they view someone else.  Whew.  I'm going to try to stop freaking out about this completely out of character night for me and just be amused and a little intriqued by it! Who knows what else the future holds for me, hopefully my sophomore year of college will start it off right and if last night was any indication, it's going to be an interesting year!
Shout out to my friend for coming to my work today and hanging out with me so I didn't die a slow and painful death by boredom!  Holy Cannoli do I have a story to tell you tomorrow at dinner!

Song Suggestion: Wildest Moments by Jessie Ware; she writes her own music and this song spoke to me on so many levels today it's not even funny.  Also, after listening to this if you don't immediatley go listen to everything else she has out there then you are a heartless soulless individual (not really I'm sure you're very nice, just have different tastes)
Have a RUN-believable day!

Adrenaline

Call me crazy (or maybe, whichever you prefer), but I went to go see the Dark Knight Rises after watching the U.S. women's national team come back three different times to win the game 4-3 in the 123rd minute which for those of you who don't watch soccer means that in the injury time added to overtime! Alex Morgan, my favorite USWNT player and at this moment the love of my life, scored after a 3-game drought and my hands were shaking I was so excited! 

(Look. at. that. swag.)

It's been a little while since I've felt the adrenaline that comes from playing a full soccer game, but I certainly recognize it when I feel it.  Then I went with some friends to see the Dark Knight Rises which is jam-packed with action and suspense and just plain craziness!  On top of my already hyper-sensitivity that movie was a lot to handle in the best of ways and now I'm listening to music at an ear-deafening volume unable to even pretend to go to sleep and I needed to post about this feeling because it's powerful and it's a rush.  It makes me feel alive and there are very few times in my life that I can pinpoint where I felt this alive.  This past year there are some very specific instances I can think of, but I try my hardest not to do so which makes this feeling so important now.  It's nice to know that we as human beings are capable of feeling so fully even when it's for others and I like knowing that I can express my vitality in a lot of different ways whether it's with others or for others.  Congratulations Alex Morgan and the U.S. Women's National team, redemption against Japan is right around the corner!

Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: Just switch back and forth between Rihanna and Nicki Minaj, you will never sleep! Specifically Roc Me Out and Pound the Alarm... I feel like doing something either really productive or destructive right now, let's hope my responsible side wins out!

The Sourest of Lemonade for the Sweetest of Reasons

I almost didn't post anything about this because it just felt too soon, but honestly this story needs to be shared.  My friend and I were bombarded by lemons from the universe this past week and if nothing else someone should get a good laugh out of this!  So here it goes, I'm going to list all of the weird/terrible things that happened to us in chronological order
1. I didn't get to listen to any Justin Bieber the entire road trip! (Just kidding... kind of)
2. My car completely broke down due to what I would later find out was a blown ACL (I may have misheard the mechanic) It was actually my PCM fuse if that means anything to you which it didn't to me!

(This is exactly what we looked like stranded at the rest stop, same poses and everything... Bahaha NOT!)

3. We missed the Ingrid Michaelson concert
4. The guy who towed us was pretty cute, unfortunately having to pay obscene amounts of money to get towed detracts from his cuteness just a little bit
5. The 24-hour shop was in fact not open 24-hours as the name would suggest (false advertising if I've ever seen it!)
6. We ended up spending the night with our friend's aunt and uncle who we had never met before aka the nicest people ever, but still what a weirdly coincidental situation!
7. We were propositioned to race on the highway from a man in a broken down black car in what will probably go down as one of the shadiest moments of my life (we totally won by the way)
8. 20 minutes away from our final destination 24 hours after we were meant to arrive a pick-up truck blows a red light going down a one-way street and almost crashes right into us
9. I drank a little too much lemonade and said some pretty counterproductive things that I regretted almost immediately and immensely (that's more of a personal issue though, can't reall blame it on the universe, that one was all me)
10. Painted a rock and transformed it into a kick-ass door stop! (This is just me blatantly bragging)
11. Spent the next night staring at a new ceiling (it was a nice change of pace, I was getting a little tired of mine) struggling with my own jealousy issues and my inability to act like a grown-up when the situation calls for it ( I really like blaming the universe for my own issues don't I?)
12. Spent a night in a park dressed like a hooker (probably not the last time I'll have to type that out... JOKE hopefully)
13. After spending an extra day with our friend to make up for lost time we we're making good time due to my superior driving skills when all of a sudden an entire highway was closed with actually zero warning leaving us stuck in bumper to bumper traffic
14. We moved 1 mile in an hour and a half... then proceeded, with some questionable driving on my part, to brave the back streets in order to get home before the apocalypse!
Eventually we did get home and are both keeping our fingers crossed that our luck turns around!  If this was some sort of retribution for what I wrote about karma before then consider me a reformist!
Now comes the sweet because even with all of this sour I can honestly say that I would go through all of it again just to get to visit our friend.  Seeing her was the sweetest reason I could've had for putting up with life's lemons and here I go adding some sticky sap to the equation!
My friends horoscope said that it doesn't matter what you're doing, it only matters who you're doing it with and this trip showed me the truth behind that statement.  No matter what I'm going through or how I feel I have been blessed to do it all with people that add a little sweetener to life's lemonade whether they're from home or from school and I can't thank them enough!  I hope that my sarcastic recall of our trip amused some of you!
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song suggestion: Brand New Day by Tim Myers because this song is the only song positive enough to counteract the bad karma I've been soaking in this past week!  And the only song that accurately reflects my outlook going forward

Small things

It's amazing what the Olympics, new running shoes, great music, baking, and something to look forward to can do for a person's health, just saying.  That's it, I literally have nothing else to say for the first time probably ever!  Go watch the Olympics and be patriotic for a couple of hours of your life, we may have a lot of issues but we know our sports man!  Particular shout-out to anyone that watches USWNT and if you don't know what that stands for, shame on you! They're gonna kick some Korean ass tomorrow and as a result I'll probably be super hyper so get ready person I'm riding in a car with for 4 hours afterwards!  Go USA!!
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: Gonna Get Over You by Sara Bareilles because it just came on and I haven't heard it in ages so there ya go

Exhausted

I'm exhausted. Mentally exhausted.  I just got back from vacation which explains my week long absence from this blog and I'm in the middle of what should be a couple of the most exciting weeks of my summer, but all I feel is exhaustion.  I'm so tired of being a screw-up and I foolishly thought that if I could get away from my own thoughts for a while in a happy vacation bubble that I would come out on the other end better for it.  Instead, it just made me realize that it was all waiting for me back at home and not dealing with it for a while just made it all that much harder to face all at once.  I'm tired of saying the wrong thing and feeling guilty for being insecure about things and feeling like I have to constantly make up for something or prove something.  Frankly, I'm just tired of the same old cycle of thoughts and I wish I knew how to break it, but I don't and I discovered that I actually can't or shouldn't talk about it with the people I want to because that just adds to the crushing guilt that I have to shelve if I expect to move forward.  I feel like I'm losing everything that I've been working so hard all year to hold on to.  I'm exhausted with these thoughts and I'm not exactly sure how to step sideways rather than putting one foot in front of the other in the same circle I've been going in lately.  Communication is extremely important to me, so not feeling like I can communicate properly when it matters is dragging me down right now, but writing it out is helping so thanks internet! There's a line from Of Monsters and Men's song Little Talks that says "There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back/Well tell her that I miss our little talks" and it hits me right in the feeler because I know that I'm holding myself back and from this point forward I'm going to find the energy to not do that anymore and make more of an effort to say what I should be saying not what that voice in my head says I should.  Don't worry, I'm not schizophrenic this is all figurative language I promise! I just miss talking to certain people the way I want to without hang-ups or insecurities and I'll do away with them soon enough because everything's fleeting, everything, good or bad so like my favorite state Wisconsin and President Obama say "Forward"!
Also, I've discovered that I'm more optimistic than I previously thought because for some reason I refuse to end on a negative note!
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: If you didn't realize this, Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men is kind of on repeat for me right now, I mean "listen to my words, screams all sound the same" is pretty deep stuff amiright??

Absolutes

It's been a while since I updated and that's mainly due to the fact that I didn't really think people needed to read all about my tragically boring thoughts centered around the only thing I've been doing lately which is work.  In order to not become comatose of boredom I've been working extra hard to stay busy in the few hours outside of work I have so I haven't had a chance to post, but that changes right now!  I read something the other day that got me thinking... why do we think in absolutes?  I tried really hard to come up with something that actually is absolute to its core and I can't come up with anything!  In particular, we think about people and their personality's in absolutes.  Truthfully, people are situational beings and therefore we can't say that someone is absolutely outgoing or absolutely introspective because we may only see them in a situation that brings that out in them.  Watching someone you know interact in different settings with a variety of people is enlightening to say the least!  I think we all have different sides and characteristics that present themselves in the opportune moment.  And I think that different people bring out parts of ourselves we may not even be aware of.  Take for instance the family dynamic; studies show that in a family with two siblings the older sibling is more domineering with their sibling and responsible around their parents while the younger sibling is more submissive, but prone to rebel around their parents.  However, the same studies show that those two siblings don't act that way outside of the family dynamic.  Basically, family sucks!  Just kidding (kind of) but in all honesty I bet everyone has different groups of people that they interact with in a certain way or portray themselves differently to fit the needs of the situation.  I'm not suggesting anything crazy like multiple personality disorder (though that diagnosis is incredibly fascinating and one day I'm going to find out if the separate personalities know about each other because if they do then what a conflict of interest!) all I'm saying is that you're not going to make a "That's what she said" joke in front of your grandma, unless of course your grandma acts like your best friend or is one of your best friends in which case I'm sorry to inform you that you're in good company and probably need to meet some more people too..., and you're not going to talk to your sibling the way you interact with your boss.  Nothing about our personalities is absolute and that's a check in the win column for human beings everywhere because we don't have to pick and choose who we are, we can have it all!  It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet of characteristics table for one please!
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: Anna Sun by Walk The Moon