Exhausted

I'm exhausted. Mentally exhausted.  I just got back from vacation which explains my week long absence from this blog and I'm in the middle of what should be a couple of the most exciting weeks of my summer, but all I feel is exhaustion.  I'm so tired of being a screw-up and I foolishly thought that if I could get away from my own thoughts for a while in a happy vacation bubble that I would come out on the other end better for it.  Instead, it just made me realize that it was all waiting for me back at home and not dealing with it for a while just made it all that much harder to face all at once.  I'm tired of saying the wrong thing and feeling guilty for being insecure about things and feeling like I have to constantly make up for something or prove something.  Frankly, I'm just tired of the same old cycle of thoughts and I wish I knew how to break it, but I don't and I discovered that I actually can't or shouldn't talk about it with the people I want to because that just adds to the crushing guilt that I have to shelve if I expect to move forward.  I feel like I'm losing everything that I've been working so hard all year to hold on to.  I'm exhausted with these thoughts and I'm not exactly sure how to step sideways rather than putting one foot in front of the other in the same circle I've been going in lately.  Communication is extremely important to me, so not feeling like I can communicate properly when it matters is dragging me down right now, but writing it out is helping so thanks internet! There's a line from Of Monsters and Men's song Little Talks that says "There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back/Well tell her that I miss our little talks" and it hits me right in the feeler because I know that I'm holding myself back and from this point forward I'm going to find the energy to not do that anymore and make more of an effort to say what I should be saying not what that voice in my head says I should.  Don't worry, I'm not schizophrenic this is all figurative language I promise! I just miss talking to certain people the way I want to without hang-ups or insecurities and I'll do away with them soon enough because everything's fleeting, everything, good or bad so like my favorite state Wisconsin and President Obama say "Forward"!
Also, I've discovered that I'm more optimistic than I previously thought because for some reason I refuse to end on a negative note!
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: If you didn't realize this, Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men is kind of on repeat for me right now, I mean "listen to my words, screams all sound the same" is pretty deep stuff amiright??