Problems of the Personal Variety

Buckle up kiddos cause this is going to be pretty personal but hopefully at the end of it slightly better than when it started...
I have to own up to some stuff right now and say that I haven't been okay for a while now.  I have been rapidly losing weight in what I'm sure is a combination of stress, slight situational depression, and feeling guilty enough about practically everything to reach the point where I'm punishing myself by running all the time and not eating enough to make up for it.  On top of that,  I haven't been acting like myself lately at all which scares me more than the weight loss or anything else going on because I've always been able to rely on my own self-worth and esteem when things get really bad.  I guess I've just never experienced something where the problem was my own self-worth before and being "good enough" which is a really subjective concept instead of something I could fix.  One person noticed these problems and, like a true friend, called me out on my bullshit and I have to thank her for caring so much and hopefully this blog is enough of an admittance for her to see how grateful I am to her!  The reason I'm finally admitting that I may have a few issues to deal with right now (insert sarcastic tone here) is because this morning I woke up to something that could have potentially derailed my entire day and could have gotten even worse when I responded only to be effectively dismissed.  At the beginning of the summer this kind of thing would have made me feel completely worthless.  (Sorry about the painful honesty thing I have going on here, it's only going to get worse but I totally warned you so don't say I didn't tell you so.) Instead, I chose to be amused by it and just let it go.  I realized that I wouldn't want to talk to me lately either so why should anyone else?  I've been looking at the positives of everything else except for myself because for the longest time it was hard to find any, but after losing weight that I didn't even have to lose in the first place and spending the last few nights getting zero hours of sleep I realized that I have to start taking care of myself for me and no one else.  Younger Sarah didn't care if she was good enough for other people, she only cared that she was good enough for herself and I admire her a lot more now that I know how rare that attitude is the older you get.  I wanted to be a better me today because I wanted it, not because I needed to put on a facade for other people or impress someone and I did something I haven't done since summer started... I danced while I ran.  Logistically I know that sounds pretty dumb, but the way things have been for me music and running have been less of an escape and more of a reminder of how I feel at fault for everything that's happened and how emotionally charged my life has become.  So today I ran just to run and I danced along as I ran, made a complete fool of myself, ran backwards while having a conversation with someone I don't know, and when I got home my face hurt so bad from smiling so much that I could feel the happiness!  Then I did some emotional housekeeping which consisted of me throwing away every letter I ever wrote to people with no intention of ever sending them because I'm all about saying what I mean and meaning what I say so really what's the point of having a reminder of what I don't plan on telling people lying around?  After all of that, I feel like I can definitively say that I'm doing much better and I'm not naive enough to think that everything will just go away now that I'm back on the right track personally, but at least when things do get rough I know there's greener pastures and what not.  I can't help the fact that sometimes all I can think about is the last time I kissed someone (you can't really blame me, they're a really good kisser!) or how I wish I could be watching t.v. with them instead of alone because that would be so much better or how different things will be next year or how I used to look at myself and think "huh, not bad kid" but now all I think is "if I somehow looked different..." which is ludicrous because I am who I am and I look like I look so there must be some reason for it and that I put other people before myself for a different reason now than when I was younger - before it was because I was just fine and didn't need to focus on myself, now it's because I often care too much about other people and haven't felt worth my own attention- but not all of these things are bad things to be inable to squash (Also my apologies for the rambly nature of that sentence, actually you know what I'm not going to apologize for that because I ramble A LOT and I like it!)  It's all about using these things to my advantage.  Today I've been the Sarah that I want to hang out with and tomorrow I have to choose to be the same person and this doesn't seem like an insurmountable task anymore because despite everything going on I have people who do care about me and do want to hang out with me and some really exciting things to look forward to and now all I want to do is make myself a vegetarian gyro and have a dance party alone until the neighbors file a noise complaint and then count down the days until Jersey Shore, and Ingrid Michaelson, and going back to school and being my authentic self through all of it!  Also, I finally decided on what my tattoo is going to say which is both exhilirating and nauseating due to my fear of needles... but needles are hardly the most painful thing I've experienced to date and I'll spare you quoting Kelly Clarkson's Stronger by just saying I can't wait for what I haven't planned to happen to me (which is a miracle considering I once had a teacher tell me I was such a  Type A personality I was going to have a heart attack in the next two weeks, don't worry that was more than two weeks ago) and that I couldn't be happier that I'm finally in a place where I'm not just settling for what I can get, but am actually grateful and appreciative for what I have.
I'll leave you with a quote because this was a somber post and serious things should always be summed up with some sort of quote!
"You must always be intoxicated.  On wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish.  But you must get drunk." - Charles Baudelaire
You can take this either to mean that you should go out and get wasted and live it up or you can take it to mean that in everything we do we should immerse ourselves in it and live fully instead of doing things half-way.  Either way you take it, go get drunk and you do you! (See it got better at the end!)
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: Warrior by Kimbra, Mark Foster, and A-Trak