Change

Change is a tricky subject for me.  I'm positively allergic to change, no really it makes me break out in hives.  Being a strict Type A personality routine and order are crucial to my success on a daily basis so any kind of change, anything from the most miniscule of hiccups to life-changing events, can really get under my skin.  Fortunately, I manage to hide it pretty well, at least I think so, and work around it in a pinch.  That doesn't change the fact that change itself changes all the time and you can't necessarily see that change coming (geez how many times can I use change in a sentence).  I should come out and say it; I hate change.  That's a terribly impractical view to have, but I've been done hiding things from myself for a while now even if I don't like it.  What sparked this sudden desire to air such grievances you ask?  To answer, today on my run I was forced to forego my usual route in favor of one I had never been on before due to construction, something I can't seem to escape no matter where I am.  Apparently I've traded waking up at the crack of dawn to hammering right outside my dorm building to almost running straight into yellow tape.  After spending precious time fuming over the loss of my running route I had to force myself to just pick a different path.  I don't know if I'm the only one in the world who just can't seem to let go of a plan once it's been formed, but I know that I have it worse than most.  Either way, it got me thinking about all of the change in my life over the past year, and I've come to the conclusion that I have faced an inordinate amount of change lately!  I'm honestly shocked that I'm not curled up in the fetal position reading the same sentence of The Perks of Being a Wallflower or some other equally introspective novel over and over again like a recluse instead of posting on this blog.  I've essentially lost what would be considered the traditional suburban family in favor of divorced parents living in separate states, I've moved all of my belongings a total of three times this past year, switched from having a room by myself to living with three other girls, college (I think that's pretty self-explanatory in terms of change...), I came out to my family and friends(Only half of which I told willingly), and I denounced 16 years of catholic teaching in favor of atheism.  I'm practically the poster child for change, I should be getting a commission or something for this.  What I get most out of this list is that change is not something we always choose and we can hardly ever control it, but that doesn't mean it's all bad.  Those three girls I mentioned, three of the most amazing women I've ever met in my life.  Divorce... not the most amazing thing I've ever experienced in my life.  My most recent change was leaving my dorm room and all the friends I had made to come back home for the summer.  I have never had such a difficult time with change before as I did the night I left.  It was not pretty, I actually remember thinking to myself during the breakdown that you are one ugly crier! ( I also was simultaneously fascinated by the way our pupils dilate when we squint, the body is riveting!) I digress, the point I'm trying to make and the point I reached just recently on my run is that my breakdown was a blessing in disguise because it showed me that I had loved my life up to that point so much and I had lived it so wholly that I was distraught over the loss of what was.  But if you had asked me before I went to school that I could possibly be happier than I was the past summer with my high school friends I would have laughed and laughed... I'm still laughing.  It just goes to show that change is a part of living and in the moment I'll probably never like change, I just don't see a second date in our future, but I will appreciate it for what it represents; an acknowledgement that there are people and places and experiences that matter to me.  All of this contemplating made me think of a quote by Hellen Keller I read a few years back so I ran back, literally, to find it and I want to share it as parting words for this post. ( Look at that magnificent woman...
it really is unfortunate about that dress though)

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therein to be content.  When one door of happiness closes another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us".
So let's all try not to stare so long at the bus we just got off that we miss the next one coming, the way public transportation is run another bus probably won't come for another lifetime.  And remember to have a RUN-believable day!