Problems of the Personal Variety

Buckle up kiddos cause this is going to be pretty personal but hopefully at the end of it slightly better than when it started...
I have to own up to some stuff right now and say that I haven't been okay for a while now.  I have been rapidly losing weight in what I'm sure is a combination of stress, slight situational depression, and feeling guilty enough about practically everything to reach the point where I'm punishing myself by running all the time and not eating enough to make up for it.  On top of that,  I haven't been acting like myself lately at all which scares me more than the weight loss or anything else going on because I've always been able to rely on my own self-worth and esteem when things get really bad.  I guess I've just never experienced something where the problem was my own self-worth before and being "good enough" which is a really subjective concept instead of something I could fix.  One person noticed these problems and, like a true friend, called me out on my bullshit and I have to thank her for caring so much and hopefully this blog is enough of an admittance for her to see how grateful I am to her!  The reason I'm finally admitting that I may have a few issues to deal with right now (insert sarcastic tone here) is because this morning I woke up to something that could have potentially derailed my entire day and could have gotten even worse when I responded only to be effectively dismissed.  At the beginning of the summer this kind of thing would have made me feel completely worthless.  (Sorry about the painful honesty thing I have going on here, it's only going to get worse but I totally warned you so don't say I didn't tell you so.) Instead, I chose to be amused by it and just let it go.  I realized that I wouldn't want to talk to me lately either so why should anyone else?  I've been looking at the positives of everything else except for myself because for the longest time it was hard to find any, but after losing weight that I didn't even have to lose in the first place and spending the last few nights getting zero hours of sleep I realized that I have to start taking care of myself for me and no one else.  Younger Sarah didn't care if she was good enough for other people, she only cared that she was good enough for herself and I admire her a lot more now that I know how rare that attitude is the older you get.  I wanted to be a better me today because I wanted it, not because I needed to put on a facade for other people or impress someone and I did something I haven't done since summer started... I danced while I ran.  Logistically I know that sounds pretty dumb, but the way things have been for me music and running have been less of an escape and more of a reminder of how I feel at fault for everything that's happened and how emotionally charged my life has become.  So today I ran just to run and I danced along as I ran, made a complete fool of myself, ran backwards while having a conversation with someone I don't know, and when I got home my face hurt so bad from smiling so much that I could feel the happiness!  Then I did some emotional housekeeping which consisted of me throwing away every letter I ever wrote to people with no intention of ever sending them because I'm all about saying what I mean and meaning what I say so really what's the point of having a reminder of what I don't plan on telling people lying around?  After all of that, I feel like I can definitively say that I'm doing much better and I'm not naive enough to think that everything will just go away now that I'm back on the right track personally, but at least when things do get rough I know there's greener pastures and what not.  I can't help the fact that sometimes all I can think about is the last time I kissed someone (you can't really blame me, they're a really good kisser!) or how I wish I could be watching t.v. with them instead of alone because that would be so much better or how different things will be next year or how I used to look at myself and think "huh, not bad kid" but now all I think is "if I somehow looked different..." which is ludicrous because I am who I am and I look like I look so there must be some reason for it and that I put other people before myself for a different reason now than when I was younger - before it was because I was just fine and didn't need to focus on myself, now it's because I often care too much about other people and haven't felt worth my own attention- but not all of these things are bad things to be inable to squash (Also my apologies for the rambly nature of that sentence, actually you know what I'm not going to apologize for that because I ramble A LOT and I like it!)  It's all about using these things to my advantage.  Today I've been the Sarah that I want to hang out with and tomorrow I have to choose to be the same person and this doesn't seem like an insurmountable task anymore because despite everything going on I have people who do care about me and do want to hang out with me and some really exciting things to look forward to and now all I want to do is make myself a vegetarian gyro and have a dance party alone until the neighbors file a noise complaint and then count down the days until Jersey Shore, and Ingrid Michaelson, and going back to school and being my authentic self through all of it!  Also, I finally decided on what my tattoo is going to say which is both exhilirating and nauseating due to my fear of needles... but needles are hardly the most painful thing I've experienced to date and I'll spare you quoting Kelly Clarkson's Stronger by just saying I can't wait for what I haven't planned to happen to me (which is a miracle considering I once had a teacher tell me I was such a  Type A personality I was going to have a heart attack in the next two weeks, don't worry that was more than two weeks ago) and that I couldn't be happier that I'm finally in a place where I'm not just settling for what I can get, but am actually grateful and appreciative for what I have.
I'll leave you with a quote because this was a somber post and serious things should always be summed up with some sort of quote!
"You must always be intoxicated.  On wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish.  But you must get drunk." - Charles Baudelaire
You can take this either to mean that you should go out and get wasted and live it up or you can take it to mean that in everything we do we should immerse ourselves in it and live fully instead of doing things half-way.  Either way you take it, go get drunk and you do you! (See it got better at the end!)
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: Warrior by Kimbra, Mark Foster, and A-Trak

Being Considerate 101

I've only recently begun to notice how important certain gestures are and how I take them granted often.  In the realm of human interaction, is it so much to ask that people be considerate?  I'm honestly not asking for much, but what I am asking for is the little things, the "minute particulars" if you will (if you know what this is from then you're probably reading this blog regularly which baffles me, but thanks!), that build a genuine connection between two people.  For instance, eye contact is not something that should be taken lightly folks!  Often times at work people will barely divert enough attention away from their phone or another conversation to pay let alone look me in the eyes while they do it.  Eyes tell us far too much to not be shared honestly.  And I find that not just making eye contact, but holding it, while talking to people typically makes them uncomfortable.  Maybe I'm just weird in that way, but when someone's talking to me or I'm talking to them I give them my full attention and they should know it because they can see it.  I'm not saying have a staring contest with every person you talk to, though that could be fun, but I've noticed that sometimes there's a disconnect between what your mouth is saying and what your eyes mean when you say it that is just another dimension to the complicated machine that is the human form.  This totally just reminded me of an episode of Modern Family where Phil goes on and on about how he may be saying yes, but his eyes are saying no way jose (It's a lot better in the episode just watch it).  Anyways, another thing is making pleasantries with people.  I discussed this once with people back at school, but in the Midwest you say hi to complete strangers you pass on the sidewalk and they respond in kind.  That's just how it works. I once had someone who was driving past me as I walked home from school slow down, roll down the window, and say hello!  Where I live now, this isn't as likely to happen and when I say have a nice day to someone the least I expect is a "you too".  When I run past a lady walking her dog and wave from across the street is she going to break something waving back?  Not unless she has brittle bone disease in which case why is she walking her dog? My apologies to anyone reading this with brittle bone disease, I'm sure you would at least say hello!  Basically, there are so many people out there that are truly nice people who do these things without even realizing it and to those people I say thank you for being considerate and reveling in the knowledge that we're all people just trying to enjoy our lives.  To the people that are too busy or too good to wave hello or make eye contact when having a conversation, there are too many truly nice people in the world for it to be a difficult task to accomplish so next time someone waves to you and nearly runs into a stop sign doing so(true story) wave back!
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: Spin by Cassette Kids

Excuses

I could rant for pages right now about how people can make so many excuses for themselves all the time without ever taking any of the responsibility, but I won't do that because I really don't feel like being negative right now.  Instead, my anger got me thinking about how easy it is to make excuses which is probably why we all do it!  I also realized that angry running is probably the best, even better than "I'm way too overwhelmed to do anything except burn off energy" running which is saying a lot!  I make excuses for little things all the time, but I'm pretty conscientious about not making excuses for the things that matter.  Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of times where I want to, badly, but if nothing else I've learned from other people in my life that excuses are both easy to make and easy to see through.  To me an excuse is like the most basic form of lying and as such it's rarely thought out or backed up by anything.  As a future lawyer, fingers crossed, it's difficult to not poke holes in people's excuses all the time and just let them have their momentary relief because I have to accept that eventually the truth will win out.  And I don't mean in a "You can't handle the truth" kind of way (If you don't get this reference I strongly suggest you watch A Few Good Men) but in a "I've wasted all my credibility and no one believes my B.S. anymore" kind of way.  I firmly believe humanity hasn't been suckered too far into their Ipads and Iphones that they can't still spot when someone's trying to put something past them.  Isn't that Disney's saving grace, that the good guy always wins in the end.  So an excuse may be the easiest thing at the time and it may make you or someone else feel good through some sort of instant gratification, but in the end it's going to fall apart on you.  Plus, at least for myself, I've discovered that if I have to make an excuse about something I'm either not being fully honest with myself or I'm doing something I really shouldn't be... the latter usually involves eating copious amounts of junk food that I shouldn't!  Seriously, it's like the five stages of grief when that happens except I find myself stuck in the bargaining stage!  Regardless, excuses are a terrible excuse for a solution (see what I did there) and we're all better off being upfront about things with others and ourselves from the start!
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Ray (The remix version is great running music!) 

Happy 4th of July!

USA. USA. USA. USA. Happy 4th of July and Happy Birthday America!! Holy shit this day has turned out to be the best birthday America has ever had in my opinion!  And yes every sentence will end in an exclamation point because I'm just in that great of a mood!  To me the 4th of July is about genuinely appreciating what we have and celebrating that in the loudest way possible!  Blasting music with all the windows down while I cruise around totally counts!  So stop reading this and I'm going to stop writing it and we're all going to eat a ton of good food, listen to great music, and hang out with fantastic friends! So Happy Excuse To Blow Stuff Up Day to everyone!!
Have a RUN-believable 4th of July!
Song Suggestion: Blow Me One Last Kiss by Pink (God Bless America is a given)

Brave

I totally wanted this post's title to start with "C" because then the last three would be a,b,c which I think would be awesomesauce, but unfortunately it does not.  However, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write about something that truly resonated with me, the animated movie Brave.  I know, I know how old am I to be watching animated movies, but first of all Pixar knows their stuff and I read that they spent two years on the animation for the main characters hair because they animated every single strand (and it looked like it too!) so anyone that puts that kind of time and dedication into their product is a-okay in my book.  Second of all, we're never too old for a classic Disney lesson!  Only this time, the feminist in me was overjoyed to discover that the whole "Damsel-in-distress" act they've perfected so well over the years was missing from this film.  In place of stereotypical gender roles were some pretty fantastic scottish accents.  Not only did I think the message Disney was sending through Merida (I have no idea if that's how you spell her name, what can I say I don't have a drop of scottish in me) was apropos (and about damn time), but it was done in a way that didn't belittle any of the characters.  On top of that, the whole "my mother doesn't understand who I am and expects certain things from me that I don't want for myself" spiel is something I can definitely relate to!  Ya know, besides (spoiler alert!) the turning my mom into a bear part, I can't really relate to that as much.  So I got the repressive mother/only daughter issues without the magic or the really cool hair (I'm super jealous of her hair if you can't tell).  But anyways, the point is that I think Disney is moving in a positive direction with this movie and hopefully my feminist side (which really takes up a majority of my body mass) will have further cause to celebrate in the future!  And that even a college student who lives in modern day America can relate to and possibly gain something from a Pixar film about a scottish girl in line for marriage. 

(LOOK AT THAT HAIR!!)

It just goes to show how universal humanity truly is and yes I've mentioned this multiple times it's kind of a theme... Completely beside the point, I also discovered today that no matter what you do or how much peanut butter you smother it with, a banana is and always will be a banana.  They're gross and I wish that they didn't offer us essential nutrients, but alas they do so occasionally I force myself to eat one... one of these days I'll figure out a way to hide the banana for good!  And now for my rant: I'm headed over to a friends in a little while to watch the next Food Network Star and after last week when I lost my favorite contestant and went into mourning I don't know if my heart can handle another episode so a warning to Food Network - You better not mess with me again or I will go all sorts of crazy up in here!  That's all!

Have a RUN-believable day!

Song Suggestion: I couldn't pick between Mine Is Yours by Cold War Kids and Electric Feel by MGMT today so listen to both!

Blink

If you haven't read anything by Malcolm Gladwell make this book your first, and then follow it with The Tipping Point.  I'm about to straight up recommend this book like it's my job because I think I'm in love! The sociologist/part that's fascinated by human behavior in me was practically salivating at just the description alone, and now that I'm done with it I can honestly say that the insights and anecdotal evidence from this book are truly stupendous.  It's all about how sometimes we can just know things intrinsically without being able to explain why and how these snap judgments, though made on an unconscious level, can be easily swayed by too much information.  Things like how a college students best friends will do worse on a personality test than complete strangers who only got to spend ten minutes in their dorm room before taking the test!  He talks about stuff like thin-slicing which is what he describes as the unconscious process we go through everytime we meet a new person or have to evaluate a situation quickly.  Ever wonder why it is that we can just tell when we won't get along with someone or if we should trust them or not?  Well, apparently our subconcious is making these judgments based upon cues we couldn't describe if asked long before we even realize it!  I could go on and on about the examples from this book, but I won't spoil it for anyone who now plans on reading it, which I highly suggest if you haven't picked that up by now... On an unrelated note, I went to a concert put on by the Woodland Foundation which is a camp for kids and adults with mental and physical disabilities which I found out about through one of my best friends who works there and let me tell you, not only could some of them play the violin way better than I ever could, but I thought everyone involved was really courageous for doing something I know I couldn't do.  It was incredibly inspiring and humbling which was an excellent reminder to me that no matter how much of a bummer things are sometimes perspective is key and life is about finding that perspective and using it to your advantage.  So if my friend is reading this I have to say I'm blown away by what you're doing and incredibly proud of you!
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie by the Submarines
Post-Script (Because I hate writing P.S. like this is some middle-school love note): Sorry about the lack of pictures, my computer and Blogger have been at odds with each other lately and until they make-up I'm afraid my posts will continue to be drab and colorless; curse you technology!

Association

Can I first just say that I love playing that word association game with people where they have to say the first thing that comes to mind when you say a word.  But that's not what this post is about.  This post is about how absolutley incredible it is that our mind automatically associates certain things with sounds, smells, tastes, touches, any sense you name it we associate things with it!  Sometimes I hear a song and I'm suddenly itching to go running, or start crying, or think about that time on my Senior Trip... nevermind about that, but it transports us to that time, just for a moment, and we can easily recall the most minute details.  A bunch of stuff does that for me, movies will remind me of a particular person I saw them with, food especially can make me recall memories I had put to the back of my mind.  I'm always fascinated by how startlingly easy it is to recall this stuff with a simple whiff or glimpse of something.  Maybe it's just the way our brains are hard-wired to code information, we are inclined to synthesize information to relate to something we previously learned so I guess it makes a lot of sense, but still it's crazy how we can associate seemingly random memories together!  Sometimes I don't even get a full memory or anything like that, it's just a feeling that I can't shake.  Regardless, I love the random spurts of association I have throughout the day, they make me feel more connected to people I'm missing or haven't seen in a while as well as my own life and the events happening in it.  Completely unrelated, but today someone got marshmallow fluff in my hair at work and two people in particular know exactly what I'm talking about when I say that there are two things I absolutely cannot stand: sweat and getting sticky things like marshmallow in my hair!  Running today was an exersize in endurance both physically and mentally because all I wanted to do was shower away the sweat and the marshmallow; I guess if anything I learned that a little marshmallow in your hair never killed anyone so deal with it kid!  I just realized that I use that phrase a lot, "it never killed anyone" and I figure it just means that I like to think if it can't kill me then why not which isn't a super cautious way to approach things, but being cautious is so overrated anyways.  Sorry that this got super rambly (pretty sure that's not a word) my mind was just all over the place on my run today.
Have a RUN-believable day!
Song Suggestion: For You by WolfRider (Any song that has whistling in it is ok in my book!)